“Would you like us to Valet your car?” asked the attendant at the Airport Car Park.
As SWMBO had just spent half a day restoring it to showroom condition, this was not well received.

The (scheduled) flight to Faro was a delight as we were upgraded to leading dwarves in the seats made for Wacky Warehouse. The stench from other passengers’ airline food was less overpowering and there were fewer kids skipping school.
After the usual delay ‘for routine engineering checks’ involving several men with spanners (supplied by the Airline for the stimulation of nervous passengers), we set off on the most boring bit.
How I hate Airports and everything connected with them.

Minutes stretch into hours as I look over SWMBO’s shoulder at the only thing of interest, a couple of fighters going in the opposite direction, hopefully to strafe Manchester Airport.
Thanking the best looking female member of the Cabin crew profusely, we enjoyed the fresh air and sunshine and travelled by Airport bus to the terminal - about 50 yards.
For a 5 euro tip, our private transfer driver licked the pavement and loaded our luggage.

The hotel, one we hadn’t used before, has a terrible name for publicity purposes - sounding something like “Pisshole”.
However the gardens were beautiful and we were in time for Dinner.
This consisted of Roadkill cooked in the Dish Washer as the main course.
An executive decision was made (“I’m not eating this rubbish”) to eat out in future.

We awoke next day to blazing sunshine but a strong breeze.
Within hours I had sunburned my nose (something which has never happened before).
The shower fixture jumped off the wall and fell on my sore nose.

Was very interested to see the swallows sweeping over the Pool, sipping water to make their nests, scoop up insects and slake their thirst. I tried to get pictures but my camera wasn’t fast enough due to the ‘digital’ delay.
Hoopoes and Shrikes, Storks, Egrets and Spoonbills were common.
We made the acquaintance of a friendly Gecko.

Next day the rain started and set the mood for the remaining holiday, not helped by the news that the sun was cracking the flags in the UK.

Of concern was the amount of graffiti on just about everything, including the once beautiful silver trains. Much worse that we have seen in the UK.

North African beggars were about in large numbers, including one woman who insisted on pulling out a dug and feeding her blonde haired child just as I was tucking into a large slice of chocolate cake at a street café.

Every child was examined for likeness to Madeleine - does everyone do this?

One day we joined a German couple for a drive to a Supermarket (don’t ask).
As Ernst was driving sedately along, motorists began flashing their headlights at us. Ernst was confused.
We explained that there was a Speed Trap ahead and the drivers were warning us.
“If I go too fast, I should pay”, was his comment.
An original thought.

We tried to avoid mentioning the War but the conversation drifted to Fawlty Towers.

Another day we went to Spain with a honeymoon couple (don’t ask).
It was closed. Siesta time.
The new bride came within inches of being flattened by a taxi as she stepped blindly into the road for no discernible reason.

The hotel supplied ‘entertainment’.
This comprised a Chinese Elvis Presley and other attractions.
All were rubbish ... except:
A small Portuguese girl with a massive voice who was amazing. She was running a Karaoke evening but everyone was so spell bound by her that even the drunks didn’t get up to sing.
Much too good for the venue. I even thought of e-mailing Pete Waterman but inertia prevailed.
Her Whitney Houston type version of the Bodyguard song was breathtaking.

Do you want to read about the rainy days? No.

A friend had asked us to look out for a certain piece of land to be found up a track from a bar with a one-eyed parrot.
After ten days of searching, we found a bar with a one-eyed parrot courtesy of an English Drain Cleaning man.
It was the wrong parrot.

Also staying at the hotel was an ex Snooker Professional (No 23 in the World at his best) but conversation was limited because he was Scottish.

Our new friends, including two Germans, two Belgians, two Scottish and an Irish Arab turned out to see us off to the Airport. The ladies missed our departure as they were powdering their noses when the taxi arrived early.

At Manchester Airport we waited on the Aircraft while they found a set of steps to greet the unusual arrival of passengers.
All the Bus and Coach drivers at the terminal were jumping about and hooting their horns as their team scored some penalty or other.

Here endeth the brief report of a very average holiday experience.

Very good DD, it made me laugh out loud twice, now I have to show it to Mrs Db to verify i'm not mad, have a rep  

Very succinctly put Dd. Have a rep!!  That used to be my typical holiday experience.Its also the reason we book apartments from the owners these days.

Thanks, 4th.

I think that one comes under the heading:
"What the heck am I doing here?".

An entertaining read, Dd, with some familiar scenarios that, I'm sure, we've all experienced on various hols!

Rep on the way.  

Thanks, Jen.

I took out the bad language especially for you.

Nice story have a rep  

Ddolfelin wrote:

Thanks, Jen.

I took out the bad language especially for you.

Now that's got me wondering what sort of impression you have of me!!

Tweed skirts, sensible shoes, lace handkerchiefs & a blue rinse spring to mind!  

Oh are you not like that then Jen  

Well .......  I quite like the thought of sensible shoes  .......  but, just the thought!!  

What colour rinse do you have, Jen?
Do you wear the lace hankie on your head?

Enjoyable read there DD, rep from me as well.  

Thanks, Mick.
Just telling it like it is/was.

Ddolfelin wrote:

Thanks, Mick.
Just telling it like it is/was.

As you always do DD.  

    

DD . . you are beginning to sound more and more like Victor Meldrew
 I hope you were able to hide your disdain . . or is that why you had such a big attendance at your 'farewell . . .


What DID you do on the rainy days?  

I've just noticed you've passed 2000 posts some time recently . . and you haven't changed your avatar . .
Never mind . . if the cap fits  

Well I'd missed this as well DD     so a belated rep from me

Forgot to rep you DD . .  sorted now . .  who knows what you might have got if you'ld posted some pics . .  
You can redeem yourself on your Skaleta review . .

I'm beginning to think that you're just not telling us when you're going on hols, to avoid review writing . . .  

Thanks for the reps.
I'm not worthy.

We know!  

Mick will be along to red rep you soon DD   don't worry